put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
