Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
