I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
sex in a hospital.. check
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
