Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
