i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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