i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
