why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
