Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
