dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
