I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
