i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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