I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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