i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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