Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
