I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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