i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think I just sharted jello shots
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