Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
