You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
