he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
