I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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