This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
