the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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