Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
we're so committed to being not committed
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
