I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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