she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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