you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
