Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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