dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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