It was confusing and full of hummus
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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