you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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