enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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