he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
