I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
