He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
