you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
