So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
