My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm too high and old for this...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
