He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
