just tell him i said nine months
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
