do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
