if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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