I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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