She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
