I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
