I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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