His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
