Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
