I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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