I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
