I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
