my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
