I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
