You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
