I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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