Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
