he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
