I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
