who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
